Updated: Sep 5, 2020
I miss my mother so much. The days continue to tick by and the reality of her not being here physically ever again sinks into my bones deeper and deeper. It's still unbelievable. It's unjust that I'll never hear her laughter again, never hear a voice mail from her again, never text or skype with her again, never get to hug her again. It's unfair that I never had a chance to say goodbye.
With each word on this page making it more real I am suspended in a place where the sun refuses to shine, where the deepest of sorrow resides and where the music haunts my mind like a horror movie. My mother is gone forever.
Some days it's imperative I don't look for the "positive" or "light" in this situation because losing a mother just is what it is. It's terrible. Today is one of those days. I'm done with all the strong, helpful, justified thoughts about her death right now. I'm done trying to make others not feel uncomfortable with my grief. I really fucking miss her. Sometimes it hurts to breathe, to take another breath knowing she will never be a part of my life in the future, that hope is lost when it comes to making things right with her. We had our disagreements and didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things but damn that was my mama man and now she's gone for good.
The tragic news of that fateful day still replays in my mind, over and over I hear my sister's voice in a panic say "Mom died.", I'm experiencing the feeling of my heart dropping into my stomach again, the feeling of my insides in complete chaos and the adrenaline coursing through my veins in one last attempt to save myself from this new reality. There's no escaping this, I no longer drink, have sex, do drugs, shop or use any other form of temporary escape, this is happening in real time and I'm fully present for all of it. And it can suck!
The depth of pain I've experienced through the loss of my mother comes with a sound, the sound of an underwater bomb going off, is the best way to describe it. It leaves me in pieces every time and I slowly, mindfully try to piece back together this puzzle of a person I am now.
Everything reminds me of her, the woman walking down the street with long hair, the white VW driving down the street, every song on the radio, some days it truly is like living in a nightmare I can't wake up from. Memories of when I was a little girl flash through my head, the taste of the soup and sandwiches she would make us after swimming at the community pool, the way the AC felt inside when we came home, the sound of music playing, the smell of her cooking, the walks we went for in the park, her voice when she sang, the rolling down the hill at Greynold's Park (she would always join in on the fun). God I miss those days with her. They were short lived but boy were they magical.
You don't know what you had until nothing more can be had I guess. I allow the sadness to take me over and under, I'm tumbling further and further down knowing eventually I'll hit the ground. Think I'll stay there a while when I do. Regroup, recharge, re-calibrate. Who am I without the pain of her in my life?
Grief is an interesting thing to experience. It leaves you feeling like you've just been tossed around in a hurricane and spit out onto the shore. Well I surrender fully today. Take me. Throw my spirit through the roof and to the floor over and over again. My soul is ready to embrace the pain. Teach me what I need to know.
I've read it somewhere that grief is a testament to how much you loved someone, the greater the grief the more love there was. Although there were boundaries in place with my mother I still loved her unconditionally with my whole heart. My soul feels she knew that, thankfully. If I could have a do over I would of loved her more, I would of allowed her to mother me however she chose to.
And then there are days when I can feel her spirit move through me with every ounce of strength and beauty she possessed. I walk like she used to, my posture looks like hers, my mannerisms I am so aware of how much I move like her. We try so hard to not become our mothers sometimes that we don't notice how much of them still stays with us. I'll be keeping the best parts of her close. These are the moments I smile to myself with tears in my eyes and realize she will never really be gone, she lives on, pieces of her soul have made their home within me. I love you mom. Rest peacefully now.